If only he knew
by EvenPottiesNeedToEat
Summary: Hermione has a problem. Or two. Can Neville save her?Mature themes bulimia, cutting
1. If Only He Knew

**Disclaimer: I don't own this, its all JK Rowling's, so on and so forth**

**Author's note: I'm so excited to have this published! It's my first one ever though, so don't beat on me too bad. Please? :D**

-x-

"Hermione?Were you just throwing up in there?"

"No, of course not mom."

"Oh. I thought I heard...never mind."

-x-

My heart is racing.

My head is spinning, I brace myself against the wall.

My hands shake.

I wipe my mouth, I smile.

My smile fades. It always does.

-x-

I wonder.

Don't be silly Hermione, don't be stupid.

I just want it to stop.

It won't work.

Then there's no harm in trying.

Just a little one.

I promise.

The razor's dull, anyway.

The toilet is cold.

Freezing.

My right hand slices my right thigh.

It doesn't hurt.

Not enough.

I do it again.

And again, and again, and again.

Still not enough.

Soon my thigh is crisscrossed with little trails of red.

Then my wrists.

The rest of my arms follow.

I try to get up.

I can't.

I cannot move.

No more energy.

-x-

No one likes you, Hermione.

Never good enough.

If only you were thin.

If only you were perfect.

If only you weren't so weak.

-x-

"I've never seen you eat, Hermione"

Neville means nothing by the comment.

Just an observation.

I smile out of pride.

"Oh Neville, of course you have! You just haven't been paying attention."

He shruggs it off.

If only he knew.


	2. As I Slip Away

Disclaimer: this belongs to JK Rowling, yaddayaddayadda.

Author's note: thank you guys sososo much for the reviews! Special thanks to Tabithatibi and Jessirose85 for adding the story to their alerts! It made me want to update again 3

-x-

I hate getting dressed.

The other girls, they're so beautiful.

I thank god that our robes are baggy enough to hide my fat.

-x-

Breakfast is easy to skip.

I go to the library,

I need to

"finish up some potions homework"

No one ever questions me.

-x-

I'm taking notes in transfiguration

I can't concentrate

I can't look at my paper

Its too easy to see my thighs

Imperfect. Fat.

That will change.

Just you wait and see.

-x-

You suck

Don't you see?

You're fat, ugly.

You're worthless.

Each cut gets deeper

Each slice numbs me.

As I slip away into my own world.


	3. My Scars Remain Faithful

**Disclaimer: character aren't mine, they belong to JKR**

**Author's note: yay! I loves me some reviews! :D**

-x-

Shifty eyes

Paranoia

I'm drowning

Don't look at me

I'm sorry I'm fat

I know you talk about me

Everyone does

My scars remain faithful

-x-

I Don't use my fingers

I'm far to graceful for that

I'm a swan in that respect

Just lean over

It comes up in neat mouthfuls

No gagging

No pain

No noise

Just relaxation

My journey to perfection

-x-

My cheeks burn

They're all watching

Waiting

Waiting for me to eat

They aren't going to see it

I do that in private

I will win

-x-

Hollow cheeks

Sunken eyes

Gray skin

Thin hair

Bones

Not Enough

Still not beautiful

They betray me

Only my scars remain faithful


	4. Escape

Disclaimer: yes, I am a thief. Suck it.

Author's Note: Yay for insomnia/ updating twice in one day? Sorry all of the chapters are so short, I like to write in poetry. (does it seem like poetry to you guys? I know it doesn't rhyme or anything...but...)

-x-

The locked door didn't matter

My screams didn't matter

Every escape attempt failed

I could never stop him

-x-

Leather chairs

Leather bound books

A new world

Immerse myself

Learn

Then he'll love me

-x-

Withdraw

be self-sufficient

No one can hurt me that way

Only me

My mind is my own escape


	5. My Lips Tremble

**Disclaimer: I totally don't own this**

**Author's note: yay! I love reviews! Even if you read this and hate it, please review! I love criticism.**

-x-

"She's lost too much blood

We need a transfusion."

"She's dehydrated too,

Low on electrolytes"

-x-

Monitors beep

Smells like alcohol

Scratchy blanket

Must sleep

-x-

Bandages on my arms

Oh no

Please, please

I just want to go home

I look around

Someone is here

Watching me

His eyes filled with tears

Don't be sad because of me!

I'm not worth it.

Really, please leave

My lips tremble

"I'm so sorry"

-x-

I lie

The doctor doesn't need to know the truth anyway

I'm not worth saving,

He should be helping babies, burn victims, cancer patients

They never leave my room, though

I'm never alone

but Im more alone than ever before


	6. Such A nice Night

**Disclaimer: error 404 not found**

**Author's note: this is the most dramatic chapter yet. It is very short, and is the last one. I am, however, planning on rewriting it from Neville's point of view. R&R! :D**

I just want to explode

I need to get away from here

I cannot fucking take this anymore!

I've tried, and I've tried, and I've tried.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I shouldn't have let It get this far out of control.

I had no power over my own life.

And so I say goodbye.

-x-

The moon is full

Its such a nice night

The wind blows my hair against my face

I slip out of my shoes

And let my toes hang off the edge of the Astronomy Tower

As I say goodbye

-x-

**Final Author's Note: This has been such a good outlet for me. All of her emotions are mine, I basically channeled myself into this. This is a very emotional story for me. This is not an autobiography, though. She goes through her own struggles, such as sexual abuse as a child. I just wanted to share that with everyone; I'm trying to raise awareness of mental illnesses.**

**I am bipolar. I am (an almost recovered) cutter. I am bulimic. I am NOT crazy, I just have my own set of challenges to overcome. If anyone who reads this can relate to Hermione's actions, please, please talk to someone. I'm begging you. I know that you feel that you don't deserve it, that no one cares. I guarentee that at least one person does: me. It doesn't make you crazy, or any less of a person, it just means that you're sick. It is in no way your fault. Please talk to a parent, a guidance counselor, a teacher, any trusted adult who can get you the help you need.**


End file.
